Marriage Matters To Me

Great counsel was given to newly married children and both sets of parents in “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families.” written by  James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen.

 I wish my husband and I had  implemented these guidelines when we were first married and beginning our life together.  Establishing healthy relationship with parents and parent’s in-law can be challenging. 

My husband and I are at the other end of this spectrum.  We are the parents who need to be mindful and respectful of our grown sons and daughters-in-law marriage and family.  We have tried over the years to be loving, flexible, and considerate.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave sound counsel to parents when he said, “Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

President Spencer W. Kimball also cautioned parents and married adult children regarding their relationships:

“Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.”

The authors of this article suggested the following:

• Create a Marital Identity – Think of yourselves existing together inside an invisible fence. Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present.
• Accept Differences – Each family is different, and we should learn to accept those differences. families.  Embrace the differences, use humor, be patience, overlooking the little irritations, and focus on the positive when dealing with differences.
• Include New Spouses in the Extended Family – Develop a good, independent, and loving relationship with your son or daughter-in-law.  Always include them in activities.

We wanted our daughters-in-law to know that we loved them because they loved our sons and our sons loved them.  Many times, during a disagreement that they brought to us for advice, we would side with the spouse.  It was our ways of saying that we valued her opinion and that we considered her a vital part of our family.  We have tried not to treat our sons any different than our daughters-in-law.  We love them both.  They are the parents of our wonderful grandchildren.  We have never insisted that they spend a certain holiday with us.  We did not want to put that pressure on their families.  In return, we have found that they are very generous with the time we spend together and often include both sets of parents on birthdays, holidays, and everyday activities.

My view of parenting is one of reflection and wishing that I knew then (40 years ago) what I know now. 

In Richard B. Miller, PhD, article, “Who is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families” he discusses how important it is for parents to be united in their relationship.

“Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children.”

I think is particularly true when one or both of the parents have been divorced.  I remember as the child of a divorce working one parent against the other.  It was my way of getting what I wanted or getting more of what I wanted.  Fortunately for me, my parents did not fall for my shenanigans very often and they supported each other even after the divorce. 

President Spencer W. Kimball identified an important problem when parents are not united. 

“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him”

One blessing from my parent’s divorce was my ability to recognize when I was being manipulated by my own children.  My husband and I tried to council with each other in an equal partnership.  The most important relationship in a family is the relationship between the husband and wife.  The children will grow up, leave home (hopefully), and have families of their own.  If the core relationship is not solid the golden years may not be very golden.

For those of us raised in the 1960s and 1970s, the discussion of intimacy and sexuality was very limited.  I remember having a brief conversation with my mother about this topic and my further education was from friends who were equally as ill-informed. My how times have changed!  It is a topic that can be found on the headlines of magazines, readily available all over the internet and at times even across a dinner table. 

Wallace Goddard, in his book, “Drawing Heaven into our Marriage”, gives the following counsel:

“ We live in a time of great moral pollution. Even if we individually take moral purity seriously, we are surrounded by media and culture that celebrate sex as the currency of the realm. Immodesty commands our attention. Lust encourages our warped thinking. Our screen heroes and our real-life national heroes are as casual about sex as about a night on the town. Our contemporary attitude toward sex creates a desolating scourge.”

I remember once when my mother came to our home for a visit.  For several years, she and my step-father had decided to not to have TV in their home.  Of course, when she came to visit, our TV was on and we watched many of the popular shows.  One evening, she quietly got up and went into the other room.  I followed her and asked if she was ok.  Her response surprised me.  She said that she couldn’t watch the show and wondered why it didn’t bother me to have such inappropriate behavior on screen in our family room.  I guess my husband and I had become so used to seeing it that it just didn’t bother us.  Satan, using his subtle and indirect means, had conditioned us to not be offended.  It was an eye opener for our family and one I will never forget.

Goddard continues, “Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression. As we should have “an eye single to the glory of God,” so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family.”

Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor, School of Social Work, at Brigham Young University, in his  talk, “Fidelity in Marriage”, stated that physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up our families.  Emotional infidelity and Spiritual infidelity which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.  To be emotionally and spiritually faithful, we must remember the covenants we made in the temple and how our thoughts and actions can jeopardize those covenants.

Many years ago, my husband accepted a new job in Sacramento.  I was left behind in Utah to stay with the children until school was out for the summer and our home sold.  It was during a downturn in the housing market and our home did not sell for nine months.  During those long months, I became very independent and my husband’s trips back to see us became few and further between.  We were becoming emotionally and spiritual unfaithful.  Once our family was reunited, we understood the jeopardy we had placed our marriage in.  It was a tough time for us, and we had to put much effort into rebuilding our relationship and strengthening our marriage.  We were mindful of the covenants we had made in the temple and had a fervent desire to keep those covenants.  We vowed never to be separated again.  If a house had to remain vacant and we lost some of our equity, we would choose to do so.

Today our marriage is stronger than ever, perhaps because of some of the challenges we have faced and overcome.  We are mindful how precious our marriage is and how easily we can be deceived by the adversary.  Marriage requires work, but then anything worth having is worth working for!  Don’t you agree?

When my husband and I were dating we discussed some of the ‘bigger’ issues that we might face IF we decided to get married.  Ed was thirteen years my senior and had been married before.  He was the father of two sons, and they had been used against him during a very painful divorce.  He was firm  – he did not want any more children because it was just too hard to lose them.  I, on the other hand, had never been married and children were an important part of my life.  I wanted to be a mother!

We talked at length about this issue and shared our feelings.  It was a deal breaker for me.  I understood how Ed felt and he was very sympathetic to my feelings.  After much prayer and discussion, we agreed that we would have two children.  It was an acceptable compromise on both our parts.  We entered into our marriage with a clear understanding about this critical issue.  We are happily parents of two sons.  Had we not discussed this prior to getting married, it could have turned out much differently.

Another challenging decision came to light after we had children and the subject of religion came up.  Although we were both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we were not active.  We had made great non-member friends and enjoyed our weekends just having fun!  Going to church each Sunday was not on our radar. 

All that changed in November 1977.  The lack of spiritually and gospel training in our home was brought sharply into focus.  Our oldest son, now three years old, was attending preschool and learning about the way our country was discovered.  They learned of the hardships of the first winter and the Thanksgiving feast that followed the abundant harvest.  The children prepared a similar feast and all the parents were invited to attend.  Britt was to be a Pilgrim and excitedly went about his preparations – making sure his mom and dad would attend.

When the day came, the food was set out on the little classroom tables and we all gathered around for prayer to give thanks and bless the food.  Of the twenty or more children at the table, there was only one who didn’t know how to pray – our son.  He looked at us and the other children and quickly turned away to hide the tears.  As his parents, we had not even bothered to teach our son the simplest form of prayer.  Both Ed and I made a commitment that day that we would teach our children the gospel in our home and attend church.

One might think this was a happy ending, but I was not as prepared for the ‘fast track’ that my husband was on.  When he decides to do something, he gives it his all.  I am a little slower, like to think about it, and take a more cautious approach.  We attended church, reluctantly held small callings, and became part of the ward family.  We had many discussions about when we would be ready to take out family to the temple.  We actively listened to each other, had some ‘heated’ arguments, and eventually reached a mutual decision of when we BOTH would be ready.  It would have been much easier to have discussed this BEFORE we were married but it didn’t seem to be a problem since we were both inactive. 

In Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he gives great counsel for those who are facing gridlock problems in their marriage:

• Respect each other’s dreams. It we are aware of our spouses’ dreams, we can consider helping each other realize them.  Ed wanted to prepare to go to the temple Immediately.  I wanted to feel like I was more prepared to make and keep the covenants that I would make in the temple.  I was not opposed to being an eternal family, I just wanted to be ready.
• Explore the dreams. Discuss why the dream is important.  Take turns being am active listener and speaker.  Talk honesty and suspend judgment.
• Be aware is the discussion is getting stressful. Stop for a few minutes and do something that will calm you.
• Reach a temporary compromise. Make peace with the issue, accepting the difference, and establishing a compromise that will help to continue the discussion.  It may not get solved right away but keep working on it together.

Ed and I discussed going to the temple.  He kept up his pace of activity but allowed me time to prepare and make sure it was also my decision when we went to the temple.  He respected my decision.  This has been the best decision we have jointly made in our marriage.  We are an eternal family and have received many blessings from our attendance and commitment.  We are fortunate that we were able to agree on the timing and pace.  It did not divide us, rather it brought us closer together.

In a book written by H. Wallace Goddard, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, he donates an entire chapter to the subject of ‘Consecration’.  He identifies how vital consecration is in our journey to be disciples of Christ and also how important it is to a happy and successful eternal marriage. 

The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby we voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God’s kingdom.  We should also consecrate ourselves to our marriages – making them happier and eternal.

Goddard encourages us to appreciate the ‘everyday’ in our marriages, “…those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time. “

Satan would like of to do otherwise.  He wants us to think of our own needs above others, seek for personal gratification, and fail to acknowledge when we are wrong or being hurtful.  He wants us to believe we are victims and that we do not need to control our emotions or what we say.

Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave a powerful warning in a talk, “Agency and Anger”, in May 1998. 

“The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives. He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention…”

Over the many years of marriage, my husband and I have tried to eliminate contention in our home.  It has taken much effort and a willingness on both our parts to calmly listen and appreciate that we each have a valuable opinion that needs to be heard.  At times, we just agree to disagree.  As we learn to serve and give to those in our family, demonstrate patience, and forgive ourselves and our spouse, we have each become better disciples of Christ and provided a happier home for each other, our children, and our grandchildren.

Humor has been an effective tool.  We have learned that it is not always important to be RIGHT!  Our marriage and relationship are more important.

Pride or Humility?

President Ezra Taft Benson gave a conference address in April 1898 that has been quoted often over the years, “Beware of Pride”.  He defined pride as, “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.  The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

How does ‘pride’ influence or impact a marriage in a very negative way?  I think our first year of marriage was one of the most difficult.  We had both been raised in very different backgrounds.  Ed had been married before, had two sons, and was thirteen years my senior.  I was very naïve.  We were not active in the church, so God was not part of our partnership. 

We were guilty of playing several common pride games, ignoring each other, finding fault, refusal to apologize fist, and being caught up in who was right and who was wrong.  In 1 Nephi 16:1-3 we are told that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges.  They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.  That was exactly what we were doing.  I look back on those early years and give thanks that they are behind us and that we have learned how to handle our conflicts and disagreements in a humble and loving way.

The games we played did not bring us closer together.  They divided us.  We did not resolve our differences by playing games.  We didn’t have the skills that we needed.  Fortunately, we recognized that we needed our Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the influence of the Holy Ghost in our lives.  We began to attend church and prepare ourselves to attend the temple.  We grew closer as we invited the Spirit into our home.  As President Benson advised, “Let us choose to be humble”.

In order for our marriage, or any marriage, to be successful and eternal we must learn to set aside our pride and turn our heart towards God and each other.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 it states,  “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” 

This is particularly true in a marriage relationship as we stay actively engaged in doing the little everyday things that will make a difference in the life of our spouse.  It sends a  message that they are constantly in our thoughts. 

In an article written by Whitney Hopler, “Little Things Mean a Lot”, she provides a list of some of the little things we can do each day to enhance the quality of our marriage.

• Prepare a special meal for your spouse, then enjoy eating it with him or her.
• Take out the garbage without being asked.
• Say “I love you” as often as you can.
• Talk together about your dreams for the future.
• Hold hands.
• Give your spouse a surprise gift of some kind. It doesn’t have to be expensive.
• Compliment your spouse in front of other people.
• Actively listen to what your spouse says, without interrupting or using the time to think of what you would like to say next.
• Laugh together about something.
• Get together with another couple to enjoy an outing as friends.
• Check with your spouse before making plans for an appointment. Remember to ask for your spouse’s input while planning your schedule.
• Say “thank you” as often as you can.
• Pray together often.
• Watch a sunrise or sunset together.
• Write your spouse occasional love notes. They don’t have to be long – just sincere.
• Spend at least one hour each week working with your spouse on a project that you share.

Many years ago our family had to relocate.  We put our house on the market but it did not sell right away and my husband had to leave for his new job in another state without us.  It took several months to sell our home and prepare to join my husband.  During those months we grew apart and I became very independent.  We learned to live quite well without each other.  We worked through difficult period with great effort on both our parts.  We agreed that we would never be separated again – no matter the cost.

Over the years, I have tried to implement many of the suggestions in this list.  It has made a very positive difference. Ed and I both have a sarcastic sense of humor and enjoy a good laugh.  Many observers might think we are arguing…but we are just having fun.  Laughing at ourselves and sometimes unfortunate circumstances makes life a little easier.

Perhaps this question is best answered by my husband.  Since our early years of marriage, I have wanted to complete my education and earn my bachelor’s degree.  Our children and finances took priority and my goal was put on the back burner.  Wherever we lived, I would try and take a few classes at the local junior college or online through Independent Study at BYU.

After my children were grown and I had retired from my position at the Sacramento Superior Court, I talked with my husband about going back to school.  He has always been very supportive, and Pathway was an answer to my prayer.  This semester will be my last before I graduate in April.  Homework has been very difficult at times, but I have never once heard my husband complain or offer a negative comment.  He has helped arrange schedules and made sure that I had all the time I needed to earn the grades that I wanted.

As I look back on our marriage, I think that being close friends, demonstrating our love for one another, and offering support has been central to our success.  In the book by John M. Gottman, PH.D, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. He stresses the importance of nurturing our fondness and admiration for our spouse.

“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.  Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.  They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound Relations House intact and preventing betrayal.  If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible.”

I have found that the times when I focus on what my husband is lacking, the marriage suffers.  We have made a conscientious effort to be aware of the good qualities and what we can do for one another.  Ed still opens my car door, tells me I’m beautiful, and doesn’t seem to mind that the years have stacked on some unflattering weight.

In return I love his bald head, ride in the golf cart while he golfs, and compliment him on the ways in which he honors the priesthood and cares for our family.

As with most things, the more effort and work we put into it, the more we receive in return.  Marriage is one of those things!

Communication and friendship are vital to a healthy and happy marriage. 

John M. Gottman, PH.D, author of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, identifies several important keys to a successful marriage and signs to look for as we communicate and treat each other.

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.  By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.”

After more than forty-seven year of marriage, I can say that my husband is my best friend.  We are invested in one another and in making our marriage an eternally happy one.  It has been a work in progress!

When we were first married, and the honeymoon was over, it was so easy to find fault.  We had been raised differently and Ed was thirteen years older than I was.  There was a lot of adjustment and compromise required.  This was when I got some really good advice from my dad.  I was very close to my dad and since we lived nearby, my dad was my ‘go to’ guy to complain about my husband.  One day, my dad took me aside and said, “Don’t tell me anything about Ed that you do not want me to remember!  You will go home and work out your problems, but I will remember them, and it may impact my relationship with Ed.”  That was the moment that I realized that Ed and I needed to successfully communicate and work out our differences together.  Ed and I still have conflicts,  but we have tried to never say anything that we would regret.  Words and hurt feelings cannot be erased.

Gottman also stated how important the ‘little things’ are in strengthening a marriage.  We have weekly dates, I try and fix things to eat that I know Ed loves, I compliment him often, show appreciate for his help with grandkids, dogs, and household chores. and always remember to share a hug and kiss as we go our separate ways for the day.

Our spouse needs to be the most important person in our family.  Our children grow up and leave home, but our partner will share our life in this world and in the life to come.

What is the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage? 

In contractual marriage, recognized by the state is a 2-way agreement that is made between only the husband and wife. It is a 50-50 marriage that requires each spouse to contribute 50% to the successful of the contract.

A covenant marriage makes God a part of the agreement. A covenant marriage is a 3-way agreement between the couple and God.  For member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we know that it is a solemn covenant that is made in the House of the Lord, our temples.  In a covenant marriage each spouse gives 100%.

In today’s climate, marriage is being called into question.  Why should we get married?  If things do not work out, we can just walk away – no paperwork or courts.  Unfortunately, I have heard this argument from one of my own children.

On 23 September 1995, the Church issued a Proclamation to the World – The Family.  It was not a proclamation to members of the LDS church.  It was directed to the world’s population.  The Prophet and Council of the Twelve solemnly proclaimed the importance of marriage and that it is ordained of God.  These men of God knew in 1995 that the sanctity of marriage was in jeopardy and that same-sex marriage would become a way of life.

“THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”

I have been married over forty-seven years and I know firsthand that it can be difficult and very challenging.  At times, it may have seemed easier to have walked away, but I had made a covenant with my husband and my Heavenly Father and that was very important to me.  Anything worth having is worth working for.